Revenge of the cramps.

I hate life right now.

My cramps and finally getting a steady period has been horror. I mean I havnt really had a real period for almost 5 years or so. No steady period for that long. And now I am getting one. This is NOT fun.

If I could I would take this stuff away for forever. I can no longer have children. I should no longer have children is more like it. I was advised to not get pregnant any longer due to my kidney issues. So I got my tubes tied, cut, and burned. All in one. They normally only do one now but, with my issues I done them all.

Fast forward. Now I have horrible pains I wish I could have just got a hysterectomy but I need the hormones due to my issues. *sigh* So no more babies...blah. But I love squishy babies but I cant. Maybe one day adopt. Maybe. But for now I want to just get these damn pms bs out of the way. I need to.

Maybe my next blog will be about my two birth stories. No many people will wanna know about them but eh they are a strong emotion for me so why not!

Lost Password

Dont mind me, I dropped off the face of the earth. I kinda forgot my password for a little while....SHHH dont judge me!

Lol.

Okay so quick recap. I have the two little shits, I mean adorable girls. One is 3 almost 4 and the other will be 1 in November. She is trying to walk but hasnt happened yet. My husband Mr. C is still in motorcycle school and I am thinking of enrolling myself into the school. WHY NOT! lol Umm next is nothing. I have nothing planned for either birthday.

Also it is almost October, I have halloween planned just have to make the costumes. BUT it doesnt feel like it should to me since I am not in Ohio where its cold. Its still in the 100s most days here in Arizona. UGH!

Who wants to bring a cold front to Arizona for me?

1, 2...Ut oh

So I was thinking. I wanted to explain why I do some things that I do.
I do NOT think of myself as beautiful. I don't even remember anyone telling me I was beautiful on my wedding day. Beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc. Things I do not describe as myself. I see nothing pretty about myself. I feel like crying when I say that. Sometimes I can glimpse pretty but never beautiful or gorgeous. Never enough for anyone. I cannot fathem how my husband finds me attractive. I detest myself 99% of the time. If I take pictures of myself I'm having a good day. I want to give you this. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel anything. It is what it is and this will probably never change. I have no one in my life who will help me with these feelings and I'm very much used to it.
But I do try to help everyone I can help out. Maybe the thought that if everyone had what they need they will never feel this way. That I will make the world beautiful even if I can't be. That I'll create beauty so they never see who and what I am. Create beauty out of food, art, my children. I am a sad excuse for a person. I have no great talent. Hell I have no talent. The only thing I can do is try to get the world to see beauty in my very unbeautiful world. So look to the sky and see those wonderful clouds. The passion of a thunderstorm, the rage for a hurricane. See beauty when there are others who cannot.
Beauty should be cherished. So stare in wonder at the beauty all around you.

The past, the present and the memories.

Once upon a time, there was this girl. She didn't have many friends. She was mostly a loner. Her friends were amazing people, they were just the best. She figured they would ALWAYS be friends.

FAST FORWARD!!!

Aug 2012.

Little to no friends from high school.

I always thought that I would always be friends with the people from high school. Have babies together, celebrate life events together. Yet here I am at 10:30pm on a sunday night realizing I miss those times. I miss high school where things where different. Where my mom gaurded me from people and their stupidity. I miss the freedom of being able to trust people with your heart. Life has been a huge road bump and I feel like ive went from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds. I have friends. No many I shall say. But I have always known I couldn't keep many friends happy. People are just to snide for that. One day maybe I'll find that friend who will stick by and even if we argue will always be there. Maybe I have even found them already but because the friendship is still in the honeymoon stage I wont be able to see it for years. I have no clue. But today I realized that unless its my children, I do not feel loved like I feel you should be.

Love thyself before others can love you.

To bad those pretty words look A LOT easier said then done.

Frustrated

To me it seems like my in laws put more love towards there "real" child vs my husband. I'm just so frustrated. They will help out loads when it comes to things like helping out with bills. Don't get me wrong we are so appreciative of them. But it just seems like they love their daughter more. At least they show it more.

Maybe they just don't really know how to show it to Mr. C or what but I know it hurts him and I'm just hoping that they won't hurt him anymore over this.

Baby fever, it strikes again.

You all know I cannot have any more babies. No more babies from my body. I really resent my body right now. I want more babies. I wanna watch babies grow, feed, and more.

I plan to adopt but that will be a long way coming, hopefully not to long in the future. Bah

Church me???? Who are you!

So hello there.

My name is crazy. I havnt gone to church in a really long time, willing anyways. I had problems with the church we were....I cannot say forced but strongly encouraged to go to in Ohio. My MIL and FIL are big big church goers. I am not and never have been. Well I lied, I did love going to church when I was little. It was fun and I learned a lot. Then I got older and it just wasn't apart of my life. Then I was hated even for not being "a woman of god" and thought of as a horrible person. I was hurt. This was from my now husband's parents. I didn't go to church and I didn't openly speak about God. I believe a great deal in a higher power. I researched different religions when I was younger. Longer then most graduate students do! Yet I was thought of this horribly. Since then the whole church and perisheners thing was a turn off.

But back to my story. I went to a local church that a friend goes to and who talked me into trying. So far so good! There was a couple things that bothered me but not like the 15-20 things that usually bother me. They were warm, inviting, welcoming, wanted me to talk, and so much more. They were upbeat and really just an amazing group. I hope to go again and will be hoping and praying that I finally found a church family that I love and loves me as well...even with all my quirks!!!

Hmm beautiful.

Today someone has been trying to get me to try to look within and see the beauty and love myself. So I would like to take you on a journey that not many people know outside of my mother. Who has not been with me since I was 19.

My 8th grade year. It was hell I don't even remember the year. I was homeschooled this year because of some horrendous things that I had to go through my 6th and 7th grade year. I had been spit on, name called, and more. So my mother had enough, because I had enough. I had gotten very bad thoughts in my head about what I would do. So we did homeschooling. It was very easy for a girl who is smart in books and streets. Instead of doing the work on the computer I figured out the password (it was our dogs name at the time, max) and copied the right answers and left some wrong to seem like I was doing it all myself.

Homeschooling wasn't my thing so freshman year my mother enrolled me back into public school. They said I was more emotionally advanced and educationally advanced that they wanted me in sophmore class. Little did they know that I'm a master at giving people just what they want. But my mom being my mom knew me very well and said no. I then fooled around with lots of people made some friends became a social outcast. Had many people keep away. I was the weird girl that no one would associate with. I had little friends. To be precise I had 2 maybe 3 real friends that to this day I miss because they are no longer there due to some bad things.

Let me say something that's rather hard. If you ever see me, know me, look at me. You'll see the scars. See the things on my body that just don't fit. Don't look closer I beg of you. There are more scars on my body then any one person should have. No I was not abused physically. I was not hit in a horrid manner. I.....*sigh* I am my own worst enemy. I am a cutter. I've been a cutter since I was in the 7th grade.

Fast forward. Freshman year horrible relationship with a emotionally stunted, depressed boy. Had horrible horrible fights that would end with him saying he loved me and if I was gonna leave him that he would hurt himself. He didn't mind that I was a cutter because he never really noticed me outside the bedroom. I ran away even one night. I was gone with him for over 48 hours before my mother got smart and found me. I quickly learned that he just wasn't there for me. I stepped away from a potentially suicidal relationship. I say suicidal because he made me suicidal. My cutting gave notice to a friend. He watched made sure that I didn't take it to far. But I did. I took it super far. At the time I was so very mad at him. I wanted to hurt him and myself for him telling on me.

One night I cut to deep in a wrong area. He saved me. It sent me to the hospital where I stayed for 2 weeks. A lot longer then the normal patients in the youth psych ward. I went to therapy of many kinds. Music, art, speech, group, and individual. I learn ways to cope. My journey from cutting over self hate, over how I feel everyday about my looks and my thought. I cut to focus on that one feeling instead of the thousands of sensory feelings that run through my brain. I cut to block out the emotional hurt and replace it with this physical pain that I can fix.

The doctors have labeled me manic-depressive type 2. As well as being serious at risk with boarder line personality disorder. Meaning I'm all shades of fucked up. To this day I struggle on a daily basses.education doesn't work because I get overly medicated. So I do different therapies myself. Yes yes I know that's not exactly safe but when your paranoid and open up to no one. It's all I got.

There is my secret. There is my wound. My oozing wound that leaks, spills over and ruins my days. It's not the whole truth I left out part. But that's the major gist of it. Want answers to some questions. Ask. Want advice ask. Want to know more. Keep reading.

World breastfeeding Week Aug 1-7th

You all know I'm a cloth diapering, breastfreeding advocate. I will preach and preach for days. There are many benefits to both and in my eyes there is NO cons. I get that some people just plan old can't. I couldn't breastfeed B and it broke my heart. There were things back then that I did not know. If I knew that there was donor milk out there, that there were people willing able and all that to help me feed my child the best possible food then I would have be all on that train. Alas I did not.

So for those out there who think its hopeless or think you can't do it. Then find us. Find the people who will help you, push you and cry with you. I had so much help in the begining thanks to a friend who will always be dear in my heart because of her help! I had severe thrust (yeast infection) in both breasts. It was HORRIBLE pain everytime K nursed, but I pushed on and was able to see the light.

So this week is World breastfeeding week. Kick started yesterday and goes until the 7th. Im gonna leave my email for anyone looking for help, answers, support, a cry buddy or just someone to discuss it. If I don't have the answers I will get you the answers. If you need a donor I can try to find you a donor or lead you to the right place. Remember there are SOO many benefits to breastfeeding.

Happy World Breastfeeding week!!!!

Mrs. Clean

In a dark universe there once was a lady. Her main pitfall in life is the judgement of her in laws. Then the time came.......


So guess what. In laws will be here at 9am in the morning. Or at least thats when their plan arrives. So they will then go to their hotel and wait till Mr. C gets off school. Why do I feel like my apartment needs cleaned and cleaned. Oh yeah IN LAWS ARE COMING! Why do I get so flustered? I have no clue.

Living room needs some attention. Just a little bit. Back of couch needs cleaned off, diapers put away, laundry basket put in master bedroom. DONE

Kitchen thats Mr. C's area I have designated. I cook he does the dishes and wipes the counter tops. Aka I'll be doing them last minute because he doesnt.

My bedroom and bathroom has to be picked up last minute and sorted out.

OOOOO guess what. Neighbors below us are fighting. I love me some neighbor drama. As long as it doesnt disturb my sleep that is. Oh GET EM! GET EM! lol

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Oh kitchen needs swept and swifered too.

Who wants to help? No come on now don't all jump out at once! Okay fine....


Ps. My knee and leg are killing me. Please proceed with caution unless holding a vicodin or vodka. Thank you.

just my luck!

So....

For the pasted like 10 days I've been entering more entries into this cool giveaway for a Ergo thats zebra print. I figured hey whatever at least I'll try. BUT once agian I always get my hopes up and think "hey maybe this will be the one time I actually win something!" But no I fail once again. It ended this morning and another lady won. Congrats to her! Really! But I didnt get it and I was/am sad. I really am wanting an Ergo and the 115-140 is WAY outta my price range.

But the convinence of the dang thing is awesome. I can wear K around and have hands free to clean and do other things. I have a carrier now its a infintino or whatnot. Its very much like the Ergo but has ALOT more straps and velcro and clips then the Ergo.

So that means its harder to get her in and out without help. I had B help me put K in it yesterday cuz it was just us and it took FOREVER and some frustration from me when B didnt understand what I was saying. Oh well.....

We live to fight another day!

Just a little fluff....

Okay so you all know im crazy. HEY its the opening line of the blog.

1. I cloth diaper. NO im not crazy its an awesome idea that everyone with children in diapers should do. I have read alot of facts and wow chemicals on my babys butt is NOT okay.
2. I babywear. I use a cheapo carrier but secretly hope for an Ergo, which is WAY out of my budget right now.
3. Thinking about trying mama cloth but kinda sketchy on that.
4. I no longer by napkins or paper towel. We just use regular old fashion hand towels for most things. Why not? doesnt cost anything extra. BO YA! lol
5. Im crazy. Im obsessed with my cloth diapers. lol

So now that you know this you shall know I am thinking of doing some "testing" and reviews on some cloth diapers. Things that I think and want to express since there is SO many people out there who have NO idea how great of an idea cloth diapering is. Did you know in disposables (or sposies) the packaging even tells you to take the feces out before throwing in the trash. WHAT! Okay thats weird but whatever. Did you also know that they have never been able to effectively figure out how long sposies take to break down in a landfill because guess what. IT TAKES TO LONG! Yet cloth which is guess what, cloth, can break down easily because after its last use (which can be a couple kids or a couple families use) it breaks down easily. You can turn it into other thing, like swim diapers.

Plus there is ALL kinds of different styles now, not just the old school prefolds! There is pockets. Pockets you have a hole at the back usually but sometimes front, where you put a insert or two in for absorbency. I like pockets because you can control how many inserts you want. Then you have the All in ones (AIO) which are basically the same thing as a disposable. You do nothing to these. They are all together already. They take extra time to dry and you cannot control if you need mroe absorbency unless you stick a prefold or insert ON TOP of the diaper. But they are good for those no used to cloth. Then you have the old school prefold with a cover. Pretty basic, its the ones people who dont cloth diaper are truely scared of. BUT I have to admit yes I was scared of them at first. UNTIL someone showed me how to do it. Then it was like CLICK OHHHHH I get it! lol There are a few more styles like AI2 (All in twos) and more but these are the most popular kind used.

I have a friend who I love dearly here in phoenix since we moved. Lets call her R. R has decided she wants to make diapers. They are good diapers. Not excellent as she is still getting the hang of this. She has some adorable prints. She uses the hidden PUL method, which I like the best. Its where PUL (the fabric that makes it leak proof) is in between the pattern and the suade. The suade is what touches your babies booty. She has a shop called myGoodness Creations. Go check her out. OOOO and if you really wanna check out another cool shop. I have this friend S. She goes crocheting! OR wool balls and such. Such a cool idea. I have a couple of her hats and have about 4 wool dryer balls coming my way. Her facebook for the buisness is called Hookin For Rent. SHE IS AWESOME! lol

Well now that my never ending run ons have ended about cloth go head and try it! Great minds think alike you know! Questions come on down and ask me. Always. I have an email which is  jn_cory@yahoo.com or comment below. One never knows what questions there are. And NONE are dumb questions in a buisness that deals with that baby booty of yours!

Some days

Once upon a time there was this girl. She was awesome and loved. She was passionate.

Then one day there was a huge betrayal. Followed by some more betrayals.

How does one get passed, heal, and not go insane from looking at others thinking. Hmmm.

We are on high alert!

We are at level red people level red. The stress is taking over. The car search is at a stand still. Our consultant has informed me the car we had him and my husband look at today isn't really worth it. It's been a week without a car. Will be another week. We have no rides to the store. I'm begging for rides to work. Jake can't even get interviews because he can't get to the interviews. Thank goodness he has a friend who can take him to school and back otherwise I'd be SOL.

I feel so defeated and useless because well I can't do anything. I have no money to buy a decent car because in order to buy a decent car you have to have money. Well we got none. My in laws are being super amazing and loaning us money but its only 5 thousand and that leaves us with maybe 4,200 for a car (tax,title, and plates are gonna kill us) so yeah plus the rent hasn't been paid for July which means that were gonna end up getting the nasty letter that says pay us or else....were at the or else stage in life.

Have you seen the food picture floating around on Facebook? Where its like ramen noodles = shit just got real....we can't even afford ramen noodles because we can't get to the store.
Def con 5 people...

Hi there!

Hello 1:21am. It's been awhile since we last saw each other. But guess what. Stress has us meeting again. Hmm stress also has me meeting my hair that falls out too.

1:22 I don't know if we can be friends. This don't look to great with this relationship. Maybe next time.

Yeah hi 1:24. Still not seeing the meeting were suppose to be having with the bed. Please please let me meet bed. You told me all about it and it seems nice.

Dear sleep,
      Hello you. I know you elude me and wish to destroy my psyche, but I'd like to make this a great relationship. So I purpose a date around 9-10pm each night. If not I might have to start drinking heavily.

Thanks,
Me.

Hey been awhile, its like were strangers.

Hey Ho! I know its been awhile. Sorry but its been CRAZY in our house the pasted couple days. Let's begin.
Mr. C gets possible job leads on Sat. Sunday we lay around and relax. Clean a little. Monday wake up take Mr. C to school.
Proceed to WIC office so I can get baby food for K as were broke lol. Get told my the receptionist that no they do need appointments. So the lady on the phone Friday lied to me. She says we can try to fit me in. So from 7-9 I'm at the WIC office.
Go home there till 11:15. Go to pick up Mr.C from school.
Oh no sound comes from car as I'm getting off high way. Get to the light right before school.
Turn.
Another big sound then smoke out the back end. Barely make it in to parking lot. Car stops does not move unless pushed. Thanks to some fellow students for helping me push car into parking space. 11:45 at this time. Mr. C doesn't get outta class till noon.
So me and the babies wait and then wait some more in the hot Arizona heat wave. AAA comes and towed us. Friend drives us home. Were screwed.
Who wants to trade lives? Lol
I had to have a friend talk some sense into me about why I moved acrossed the US from Ohio to Arizona. How we will get through this like we always seem too. But at the moment I wanna just explode.
Ending to the story. At 12:15am on Monday (technicley Tuesday) I walked home from work. Almost 4 miles. It Took me two hours. Now time to figure out ways to get Mr. C to his interviews. Lifes a trip that's for sure.
Onwards to our next speed bump!

I need my mommy.

My mom was the most amazing person in the world. She made sure everyone was taken car of. Had the bills to pay, had everything taken care of. She knew what to do and would do it.

I'm in they preverbial rock and a hard spot.
I have to feed my kids, pay my rent, utilities, my car, my insurance and more. I have a part time job that pays 8 bucks an hour. And only part time hours. Mr. C is "looking" for a job yet only looks when I bitch at him. I am trying to get assistance but no one is helping me get the information I need. I hate asking for help anyways and of course they want to draw me asking out.

I wanna cry buckets. I'm going to wic tomorrow to try to get baby food for the K. Hmmm sometimes I just wanna run away when I get no help. Especially when I come home to a disastrous house, pissed off kids, and a husband who is playing video games instead of job hunting or doing homework.

Who wants to run away? *ooooo* pick me pick me!!!!!!

Cloth is addicting

Have you ever tried cloth diapering? If not you totally should! Cloth to me is the best possible things ever. Patterns and print. So many more. I would love to foster and adopt. I want lots of babies and cloth has helped.

If anyone has questions I'm glad to answer them.

I love my pockets. Pockets are diapers that look almost like disposables but you can stuff them with inserts as much as possible. Lol and All in ones (aio) they need no stuffing or anything like that.

Lately I've wanted to try prefolds with covers. They are the same thing as old school but instead of pins they have these awesome things called snappies.

Who wants to donate there old school prefolds that they use as burp rags.

Here have some cute fluff butt!

The days got bright and happy

I had a playdate today. My cloth meet up group. Only a few people came :( it was pretty sad but the people who came were awesome!

I got another mama started on her cloth. For the sweet baby K that she has. K is adorable little girl! She's small so she fits the newborns I had. Yay!!!! I've been in a great mood. Maybe its from the vitamins I've been taking everday to help my sleepyness.

But the days are still hard. I'm working on it. Oh good news on Mr. C finding a job! He has an interview with a security firm on Monday. Please pray hope send good vibes whatever you do his way and our way!

Going to a BBQ tomorrow with Mr. C's school buddies. I'm pretty excited.and very.nervous about meeting this group! Anyways its time for bed I hope y'all get a good nights rest. I sure hope I can! Sweet dreams.

Get togeather of the leech kind

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday.

Someone tell me why I thought it was a good idea to host a playdate? I suck at this. I'm always way over stressed, over extended, and make way to much food. I need a intervention when it comes to feeding people. I am a feeder. Lol so this playdate might have two people coming yet somehow it my mind I've got all of Texas knocking on my door. I don't mind that only a few people are coming. Okay I lied I want a lot of people because I like to surround myself with greatness and well everyone has greatness in them except me (low self esteem talking don't mind me).

Anyways. I'm gonna make edible finger paint, plan on swimming and jamming out. My thought process has made this a 12 hour event. I wanna make food and homemade lemonade. Maybe some Sun tea or sweet tea with molasis. I'm way in over my head.

Life boat anyone? Dingy maybe....suck it up and let your balls shine through Tasha.

Biological clock....tick tick tick

I have two darling girls, you all know this. B who is 3 almost 4 and K who is 7 months. I love them to death. I went through the worst possible pregnancies. I literally threw up at least once a day....once a day I guess isn't bad it was the every hour vomitting that got old. I learned through my pregnancies what food tastes the same coming up as it went down (Snapple!). So add that plus kidney problems to the thousandth degree I was advised to not have anymore kids because it could potentially put me into kidney failure. Kidney failure is BAD. Let's not do that. So down the line I got my tubes tied. No more babies for me....but guess what. I want more. I want more and more babies. I love kids. I love children. I wanna foster since I can't have anymore with maybe adopting a baby boy down the line. I think it would be kinda like paying it forward. My husband was actually adopted by a great family....so adopting would be great. Maybe even an older boy. But to get there I gotta push hubby to get a job, finish school get life back on track. So who wants to loan me their babies? Lol I promise ill be good with them!

Dun dun dun.....

The day has been boring. Got up, got kids dressed and ready. Watched my little ponies, strawberry shortcake, and power rangers ninja storm. Then got McDonalds (yeah I know so unhealthy but I got nothing at the house and no cash). Went to work at one. Got off at 7. Came home got pizza and its now 9:45pm (Arizona time) and all I wanna do is sleep....man sleep sounds amazing. My knee hurts my kidneys have been hurting. Ugh hurt hurt hurt.:...and I'm Bitching and Bitching lol. Well it is my blog ya know lol. Back to the grind tomorrow. I'm hoping to get all the laundry done tomorrow so I don't gotta go in on wendsday....hmmmmmm maybe I should make pie.

Warning graphic.

So since Facebook won't let me post some of my adorable picture I will now. Ones of K being funny and decided it was better to play with moms nipples vs eating and well more!

Crunchy mama or not?

I have been called a crunchy mama. A attached parenting mother. A hippie. Lol you wanna know what I call myself.....a nacho gordita crunch. I'm crunchy and soft and gooey and cheesy. I breastfeed, cloth diaper, cosleep, and a lot more.

I've just reflected lately how badass being a attachment parent is. They spent more time with their kids, they don't miss any of the big achivements. I don't extend breastfeed yet K is only 7 months old yet. But if she were to want to nurse. The age I guess I would stop would be around 18 months. I'm just excited for my year mark.

I want more babies, sadly I cannot have more babies. My body hates me. My kidneys are slowly distroying me. I guess I could foster or adopt. Which I totally wanna do. Mmm anyways. I just wanted to give yall some crunchy mama to non crunch or whatever advice. Were not the Times magazine. Which was staged fyi. Who makes there kid stand on a soap box anyways? Lol silly kids. Were not someone to crucify, we are just parents trying to give our children the best start in life.

Just so boiling....boiling and guess what,

More boiling. I have realized something after I came home and Mr. C is sitting on the bed playing video games. I married a little boy who can't even be bothered to listen to me tell him to get a job or clean up a room. No once again I am doing it all. I hope when the day comes that he realizes what he has that maybe just maybe he won't have lost me by then.

I come home and asked two things of him. Clean the bedroom floor up since K is mobile now and puts everything in her mouth. And look for a job. Bedrooms a mess and guess what.....no job hunting. I'm almost about to just pay the rent ahead of time so I can start saving for rent the following month with my part time job that pays 8 a freaking hour! I've given him leads, I've looked up jobs for him. What the fuck do I gotta do next? Dress him, interview for him? Do his school work?

I'm about to boil over......

Belly belly belly......

Have you ever had to take a multivitamin? Prenatal or like wise? Yeah they suck hardcore. I've started taking them again because I am breastfeeding but couldn't seem to get outta bed. Ding ding ding we have a winner with vitamin deficiency. So I'm now taking a multivitamin the size of fucking Texas! As well as two iron pills. They make me sick to my stomach so far (day two) BUT I got out of bed at 9 am today! Success! Now to keep up with it. I heard somewhere if you do something for 20 days in a row you get in the system to just do it. Hmmm let's see....I sure hope freaking so!

Next adventure.....not killing Mr. C my dearest husband.

Today he got his ultimatum. Job by the 1st or his motorcycle money goes to rent. Let's see how this goes.

Bad night.

So just to tell all y'all. I lost my mother to lung cancer when I was 19. I have yet to accept this or get over this in my life.

Today I did the worst possible thing yet. I started watching a movie called "A little peice of heaven". To tell it like this. It's a very true rendition of what sometimes happens. And to say the tears are still rolling isn't proper in the very least.

Today I missed my mom so much. To no end I miss her. I wanna have her watch my girls grow up. I want her to answer my questions when I can't turn to anyone else. I want just....my mother. The greatest person I knew. Ugh somedays are better but today is not that day.

Heartaches knows no bounds.

Here are some photos of my love, mom.

Mom to you I love you more then anything and will never forget you. I so wished I could have known you a lot better!

Have a drink with the angels for me. Kisses....

So crazy

Okay so life has been on crazy this pasted week. I work for a older blind man doing laundry for doctors offices. OBGYN offices and fertility offices. So I work often.

But anyways. Mr. J hubby has still been "searching" for a job. That's a load of shit. He hasn't really tried. I'm about to give his ass some serious help and find him a job myself. He just won't like it. Me working is hard to do and in reality its not hard its almost damn near impossible. So my boss helps me out and we try to just schedule me when I wanna work. Today I was gonna go in at 9am but I just couldn't pry myself outta bed so I am going in at 1 when I get a better mood under me.

So maybe off to find a job for my husband so I can just get it all.

But when everything goes wrong and B and K are screaming I just gotta look at their cute faces!

Job number 2 since big move.

It's been a very trying experience with jobs. I worked with an unnamed windsheild replacement company. They were not a great company as they were worse then telemarketers (calleds you at least once a week seeing if you needed a new windshield). Wasn't a great job when a lot of your moods feed off of the moods of others. Now I work for a home based buisness doing laundry for doctors offices. I don't speak with people. I do laundry all day. So far its boring job but it works so well for my moods.

In other news I was thinking since I cannot have another baby (yes yes yes ill explain that later), that I will try to foster or adopt! Hmm sounds like a plan. Maybe I can even do it.

Relapse

I can't seem to think.

Today I woke up fine. Really tired. I knew today was NOT gonna be a good day. Remember that pesky manic-depressive type 2 (bipolar) I told ya about in the first writings. It decided to peak its great big fat head at me today. I just wanna cry today. I want a friend who will listen to me. I want to beable to TRUST a friend to listen to me. I talked to my husband the other day about how I remember how hard it was to work. He asked me why. Because I have days like today where I just wanna cry. I need insurance so I can find a couple therapist. I feel like life is just swirling.

Today is a pivital point. I either can try to find insurance and get the therapy that I truely need and TRY so hard to work. Or I do what I have been trying to push away from me as far as I can. Getting SSI (I think it's SSI) means never working agian. I do NOT wanna do that. I have dreams. Sadly I realize that my dreams probably will never come true because of this STUPID illness that I have been struggling with!

My whole being wants to scream HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!

I just want some help.

The 1st of many...hopefuly!

TA DA! I did it. Yeah thats right, I got a blog.

                   First off. HELLO! I am Tasha. Im 24 year old wife and mother of 2 awesome girls! Lets call them B and K. BAHAH joke bk....anyways! Lets get to know me. I was born and raised in a field in Ohio. We call it a field because well where I lived you had woods, field, field, and a pond. I was raised with a single mother who did an EXTRODINARY job. *side note. If you can't tell, I cant spell.* My father was a every other weekend dad who did what he was told to do by the courts. He is a crack addict, abuser, and over all just a low life. I would not mourn him. But I mourned my mother and still mourn her like no other. I have a rather large family by "normal" standards. I have 2 sisters. One is a low life and the other M is an awesome woman with 2 children and raising them on her own as well. I have a boat load of cousins, 3 aunts and a uncle. My grandparents are still alive. They still fight about everything and they make holidays special. Family is everything to me.

         So far I have made this into an ABOUT you section. Well you need to know about me in order to know why I write the way I do or why I write what I write.

  

All my life I have been different. I get distracted easily, I am very moody, and sometimes I can just shut down all together. There is a reason that I found out in my sophmore year of high school thanks to a fellow class mate and friend. I was....ugh this is hard even when I know no one is reading this. I was and still am a cutter. I will always be one even if I do not cut. Which I am proud to say has been over 2 years!!! I was seen with psychologiest, therapist, and many more. I am a manic-depressive type 2 mom. I have possible boarder line personality disorder (suspition of my last psychologist). My life is not easy. My life is not emotionally stable. So I want the world to know what those people who have NO way to explain how they feel, what they feel, or why they feel the way they do. As well as tell people how it is to hurt so bad but you cant see it.

This is my story.