Revenge of the cramps.

I hate life right now.

My cramps and finally getting a steady period has been horror. I mean I havnt really had a real period for almost 5 years or so. No steady period for that long. And now I am getting one. This is NOT fun.

If I could I would take this stuff away for forever. I can no longer have children. I should no longer have children is more like it. I was advised to not get pregnant any longer due to my kidney issues. So I got my tubes tied, cut, and burned. All in one. They normally only do one now but, with my issues I done them all.

Fast forward. Now I have horrible pains I wish I could have just got a hysterectomy but I need the hormones due to my issues. *sigh* So no more babies...blah. But I love squishy babies but I cant. Maybe one day adopt. Maybe. But for now I want to just get these damn pms bs out of the way. I need to.

Maybe my next blog will be about my two birth stories. No many people will wanna know about them but eh they are a strong emotion for me so why not!

Lost Password

Dont mind me, I dropped off the face of the earth. I kinda forgot my password for a little while....SHHH dont judge me!

Lol.

Okay so quick recap. I have the two little shits, I mean adorable girls. One is 3 almost 4 and the other will be 1 in November. She is trying to walk but hasnt happened yet. My husband Mr. C is still in motorcycle school and I am thinking of enrolling myself into the school. WHY NOT! lol Umm next is nothing. I have nothing planned for either birthday.

Also it is almost October, I have halloween planned just have to make the costumes. BUT it doesnt feel like it should to me since I am not in Ohio where its cold. Its still in the 100s most days here in Arizona. UGH!

Who wants to bring a cold front to Arizona for me?

1, 2...Ut oh

So I was thinking. I wanted to explain why I do some things that I do.
I do NOT think of myself as beautiful. I don't even remember anyone telling me I was beautiful on my wedding day. Beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc. Things I do not describe as myself. I see nothing pretty about myself. I feel like crying when I say that. Sometimes I can glimpse pretty but never beautiful or gorgeous. Never enough for anyone. I cannot fathem how my husband finds me attractive. I detest myself 99% of the time. If I take pictures of myself I'm having a good day. I want to give you this. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel anything. It is what it is and this will probably never change. I have no one in my life who will help me with these feelings and I'm very much used to it.
But I do try to help everyone I can help out. Maybe the thought that if everyone had what they need they will never feel this way. That I will make the world beautiful even if I can't be. That I'll create beauty so they never see who and what I am. Create beauty out of food, art, my children. I am a sad excuse for a person. I have no great talent. Hell I have no talent. The only thing I can do is try to get the world to see beauty in my very unbeautiful world. So look to the sky and see those wonderful clouds. The passion of a thunderstorm, the rage for a hurricane. See beauty when there are others who cannot.
Beauty should be cherished. So stare in wonder at the beauty all around you.

The past, the present and the memories.

Once upon a time, there was this girl. She didn't have many friends. She was mostly a loner. Her friends were amazing people, they were just the best. She figured they would ALWAYS be friends.

FAST FORWARD!!!

Aug 2012.

Little to no friends from high school.

I always thought that I would always be friends with the people from high school. Have babies together, celebrate life events together. Yet here I am at 10:30pm on a sunday night realizing I miss those times. I miss high school where things where different. Where my mom gaurded me from people and their stupidity. I miss the freedom of being able to trust people with your heart. Life has been a huge road bump and I feel like ive went from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds. I have friends. No many I shall say. But I have always known I couldn't keep many friends happy. People are just to snide for that. One day maybe I'll find that friend who will stick by and even if we argue will always be there. Maybe I have even found them already but because the friendship is still in the honeymoon stage I wont be able to see it for years. I have no clue. But today I realized that unless its my children, I do not feel loved like I feel you should be.

Love thyself before others can love you.

To bad those pretty words look A LOT easier said then done.

Frustrated

To me it seems like my in laws put more love towards there "real" child vs my husband. I'm just so frustrated. They will help out loads when it comes to things like helping out with bills. Don't get me wrong we are so appreciative of them. But it just seems like they love their daughter more. At least they show it more.

Maybe they just don't really know how to show it to Mr. C or what but I know it hurts him and I'm just hoping that they won't hurt him anymore over this.

Baby fever, it strikes again.

You all know I cannot have any more babies. No more babies from my body. I really resent my body right now. I want more babies. I wanna watch babies grow, feed, and more.

I plan to adopt but that will be a long way coming, hopefully not to long in the future. Bah

Church me???? Who are you!

So hello there.

My name is crazy. I havnt gone to church in a really long time, willing anyways. I had problems with the church we were....I cannot say forced but strongly encouraged to go to in Ohio. My MIL and FIL are big big church goers. I am not and never have been. Well I lied, I did love going to church when I was little. It was fun and I learned a lot. Then I got older and it just wasn't apart of my life. Then I was hated even for not being "a woman of god" and thought of as a horrible person. I was hurt. This was from my now husband's parents. I didn't go to church and I didn't openly speak about God. I believe a great deal in a higher power. I researched different religions when I was younger. Longer then most graduate students do! Yet I was thought of this horribly. Since then the whole church and perisheners thing was a turn off.

But back to my story. I went to a local church that a friend goes to and who talked me into trying. So far so good! There was a couple things that bothered me but not like the 15-20 things that usually bother me. They were warm, inviting, welcoming, wanted me to talk, and so much more. They were upbeat and really just an amazing group. I hope to go again and will be hoping and praying that I finally found a church family that I love and loves me as well...even with all my quirks!!!