Vacation, a car, and an emotional disturbance

Very busy



Very very very busy



My life in a nutshell. I have no idea where to start, how to start, or even when I shall start. I am me. I feel like that was a start (I really am using that word alot!) of a beatles song. *sigh* Im a horrid writer so this will be painful. Recap for what has gone on since I started my job. I work for a pretty good company. I have some interesting managers. Ones sleeping with an employee even though he is married and has children but whatever. I got two cats since then.

Lately I have also thought about my relationship with my husband. I realized that maybe I married my best friend instead of the love of my life. To me love is about the WANT of kissing. The need to be near them. To miss them so unconditionally that you just can't keep them out of your mind. Maybe I loved him like a husband at one time or maybe I just knew we would always be friends. I dont know, all I know is we dont fit. Dont fit together in almost any aspect. Maybe its time to reassess some of our points together and discuss what to do and where to move on from here.

p.s.
If you didnt get it the hint my bipolar is rearing its ugly head again at a massive level.

Death by job

New job, its pretty awesome.

BUT IT SUCKS! Mostly because now im working a 2nd/3rds shift. I go in at 7pm and get off at a random time. Its suppose to be around 3:30am but there is always to much work to get out at 3:30am. So I stay over get home roughly around 5-7am then go to bed till the twin demons aka B and K wake up. Anywhere from 10:30-noon. (They sleep on more of my schedule then Mr. C's because well, im making the bucks). Soooo exhausted because I get few hours of sleep before the kids wake up. BUT after Mr. C get home I get to take a nap. WOOT WOOT! Nap time is calling. If you need me my bed was calling and we made up as BFFs agian!

Holidays of mass perpotions

Easter

Christmas

Thanksgiving

          These are the holidays I love the most. Sadly they are the holidays that I cannot do for my children what I grew up on. I loved the holidays growing up. Love all the family, food, chaos, laughter, joy, making fun of each other, etc. Fast forward to mom dying. No happy holidays just a bunch of people running around doing nothing but cooking and sometimes joking. Where did the laughter go, my mom took it. Still after how many years, she has the laughter with her. 

            But now I am no longer in OH, I am in Az where my children have no family besides us. We havnt colored eggs, gone on a plastic egg hunt, started dinner, woke up to a mass of basket hunting, nothing. My children are young thankfully so they cannot understand yet that something is amiss. 

           I will bring them joy on holidays and love. I will pull something out my butt for them to do today. Maybe swimming, and a park. Or maybe just running around with no distractions today. Who knows.

          

Happy Holidays, or happy regular day to some of you.

Traveling to crazy town

Ohio, the land of cold and snow.

I shall be traveling back to Ohio for a week. It will probably be cold. No 100% chance of cold! Ill be getting on the plane at 80 something degrees or higher. Then get off the plane at like 50 degrees or less. This is gonna be horrible.

Itinerary.
Get through security with two children alone.
Wait for plane.
Board plane.
Fly
Get off plane in chicago for layover.
Wait 2 hours for next flight.
Board plane.
Get to Columbus.
Be freezing.

Yeah this is gonna be a FUN plane ride. <---insert sarcasm. First plane ride for the girls. Dont worry B rode in a plane when she was in utero plane ride. Now 4 years old flying on a plane, her sister will be 17 months flying for the first time.

Any tips for flying with a 17 month old and a 4 year old by yourself? Ill be babywearing K so she shouldnt be to bad.

Bipolar, moods changing moods?

So....who all has bipolar?! *yells from back of room* OOOOO PICK ME PICK ME! yep you all know this if you have read any of my other blog posts....if not *evil glare* GO READ!

Fast forward me and Mr. C are not in a great spot in our relationship things are very tense but were working through them. Or at least trying which has put me into an EXCELLENT mood because well, were talking. So I was just sitting here playing on facebook with their catchy little addicting games *cough* chefsville *cough* and I thought. Maybe if I get into a good mood I can keep myself in a good mood.

So Challenge Accepted.

*downs a shot*

Here is to hoping Mr. C doesn't fuck up again and put me into a horrible mood.

#FYI I do NOT condone using alcohol as a self medication!#

Kamsnaps

<center><a href="http://www.kamsnaps.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.urbanfinds.com/kamsnaps/images/kamsnapsbutton.jpg"" /></a></center>

You all know I love to cloth diaper well this will help me out LOADS. Its a giveaway and well I would LOVE to win! eek!

The pain, hurt, memories, and time.

They say time heals all wounds.

They say time will help you not feel so bad.

They were wrong.

I dont know who even said these things and believed them. Someone who hasnt had someone in their life past away. I am watching the newest Army Wives episode. It brings up so many memories, so many terrifying things that went through my head. The pain of my mother funeral, the heartache of the many things she would never be present at. My wedding, the birth of my children, the sleepless nights of help that would never be there from her.

I would not have anyone but my grandparents and sister there for my wedding. No father who would be off on another crack binge none of that. So it hurt. To this day I do not remember anything after everyone left, or even the funeral. I remember a blessed women, my mothers best friend, helping me and trying to comfort me. I couldnt see past my own pain to even make memories. Memories.....thats all I have.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever talks about the pain that still lingers. I remember her funeral. The calling hours. I remember sitting there thinking "I dont know who you are, why are you even here?" So many people who I had no clue who they were. And people missing who should have been there. She has the most beautiful casket. The casket the rival all other in her book. She had so many people who loved her.

One minutes she is with me, the next she is just.....not there. She had always been there to help me in any way that was possible. Gave me the most precious gift. The gift of love. The gift of hope. She was my mother. I felt like she was the only person who would EVER understand me. She helped me so many times that was just impossible to keep track.

My mother pulled me through some very rough places. She helped me realize that I didnt need anyone to help me with most things in life, that I myself could find the solution to all my problems if I just looked hard enough and used my brain.

Sherron Marie up there in heaven. I miss you more today then I think I have since the day you said goodbye. If you have ever lost your mother, your child, your friend, your spouse or even just someone you loved so very much you understand. It never gets easier, and the pain never dulls.

Habemus Papum!

And today, in history we get something great! A NEW POPE! They have yet to announce who the cardinals have chosen. I am hoping for a more tech savvy pope. Someone who will bring the catholic church into more modern times and can relate more towards the younger generation (You know the generation they need to recruit to keep the church alive! lol).

I am not a baptist catholic. Just making this clear. Ive gone a handful of time to mass. BUT my grandparents are very VERY catholic. (In Mr.Cs word they are shyt catholic, you know extremest.) I know quite a bit about many religions and I have to say if catechism didnt take so damn long I would so become a official member and go to mass regularly. To me the possiblity of change in the right direction will be a great thing for the church. (if it follow into a good direction, cuz we all know catholics have sometimes made big UT OHs....you know the crusades, war against protestants) Heres to hoping!


Edited to tell you all the great information!

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina has taken the name Pope Francis the 1st!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jorge_Mario_Bergoglio

All together now!

So another mama made me realize its been like 4-5 months, nah more like 2 years since I posted. Hmm I should totally remedy that. Lets almost bullet point things.
-B, We have severe eczema still. Turned 4 in December which means kindergarden is soon upon us *cries silently*. I need to get on her about her letters and writing. *sigh* bad mom moments.
-K, Were 1.....ONE year old. Ugh that feels like a HORRIBLE number because she is my possibly last baby. We talk, we walk, we use silverware better now, we have friends. My baby is growing up. She might even be potty training soon. NOOO I love my cloth diapers way to much for that to happen. lol
- Mr. C, whats to say. He had a job working for a decent warehouse, got laid off didnt even attempt a job search. So I things got shady around here for awhile.
ME!! Because it is ALWAYS about me you know. Just joshing you! Anyways...Im doing decent right now. My moods are in a upswing thankfully, I am adjusting to Arizona at a slow pace. Miss Ohio rather a lot. Sometimes almost to much. I am in need of coffe. I woke up way to early today because I started babysitting for a fellow mommy.
Well until next time when I might have something more interesting to say. OH YEAH! Were moving again, but this time only a few minutes away! 

Revenge of the cramps.

I hate life right now.

My cramps and finally getting a steady period has been horror. I mean I havnt really had a real period for almost 5 years or so. No steady period for that long. And now I am getting one. This is NOT fun.

If I could I would take this stuff away for forever. I can no longer have children. I should no longer have children is more like it. I was advised to not get pregnant any longer due to my kidney issues. So I got my tubes tied, cut, and burned. All in one. They normally only do one now but, with my issues I done them all.

Fast forward. Now I have horrible pains I wish I could have just got a hysterectomy but I need the hormones due to my issues. *sigh* So no more babies...blah. But I love squishy babies but I cant. Maybe one day adopt. Maybe. But for now I want to just get these damn pms bs out of the way. I need to.

Maybe my next blog will be about my two birth stories. No many people will wanna know about them but eh they are a strong emotion for me so why not!

Lost Password

Dont mind me, I dropped off the face of the earth. I kinda forgot my password for a little while....SHHH dont judge me!

Lol.

Okay so quick recap. I have the two little shits, I mean adorable girls. One is 3 almost 4 and the other will be 1 in November. She is trying to walk but hasnt happened yet. My husband Mr. C is still in motorcycle school and I am thinking of enrolling myself into the school. WHY NOT! lol Umm next is nothing. I have nothing planned for either birthday.

Also it is almost October, I have halloween planned just have to make the costumes. BUT it doesnt feel like it should to me since I am not in Ohio where its cold. Its still in the 100s most days here in Arizona. UGH!

Who wants to bring a cold front to Arizona for me?

1, 2...Ut oh

So I was thinking. I wanted to explain why I do some things that I do.
I do NOT think of myself as beautiful. I don't even remember anyone telling me I was beautiful on my wedding day. Beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc. Things I do not describe as myself. I see nothing pretty about myself. I feel like crying when I say that. Sometimes I can glimpse pretty but never beautiful or gorgeous. Never enough for anyone. I cannot fathem how my husband finds me attractive. I detest myself 99% of the time. If I take pictures of myself I'm having a good day. I want to give you this. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel anything. It is what it is and this will probably never change. I have no one in my life who will help me with these feelings and I'm very much used to it.
But I do try to help everyone I can help out. Maybe the thought that if everyone had what they need they will never feel this way. That I will make the world beautiful even if I can't be. That I'll create beauty so they never see who and what I am. Create beauty out of food, art, my children. I am a sad excuse for a person. I have no great talent. Hell I have no talent. The only thing I can do is try to get the world to see beauty in my very unbeautiful world. So look to the sky and see those wonderful clouds. The passion of a thunderstorm, the rage for a hurricane. See beauty when there are others who cannot.
Beauty should be cherished. So stare in wonder at the beauty all around you.

The past, the present and the memories.

Once upon a time, there was this girl. She didn't have many friends. She was mostly a loner. Her friends were amazing people, they were just the best. She figured they would ALWAYS be friends.

FAST FORWARD!!!

Aug 2012.

Little to no friends from high school.

I always thought that I would always be friends with the people from high school. Have babies together, celebrate life events together. Yet here I am at 10:30pm on a sunday night realizing I miss those times. I miss high school where things where different. Where my mom gaurded me from people and their stupidity. I miss the freedom of being able to trust people with your heart. Life has been a huge road bump and I feel like ive went from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds. I have friends. No many I shall say. But I have always known I couldn't keep many friends happy. People are just to snide for that. One day maybe I'll find that friend who will stick by and even if we argue will always be there. Maybe I have even found them already but because the friendship is still in the honeymoon stage I wont be able to see it for years. I have no clue. But today I realized that unless its my children, I do not feel loved like I feel you should be.

Love thyself before others can love you.

To bad those pretty words look A LOT easier said then done.

Frustrated

To me it seems like my in laws put more love towards there "real" child vs my husband. I'm just so frustrated. They will help out loads when it comes to things like helping out with bills. Don't get me wrong we are so appreciative of them. But it just seems like they love their daughter more. At least they show it more.

Maybe they just don't really know how to show it to Mr. C or what but I know it hurts him and I'm just hoping that they won't hurt him anymore over this.

Baby fever, it strikes again.

You all know I cannot have any more babies. No more babies from my body. I really resent my body right now. I want more babies. I wanna watch babies grow, feed, and more.

I plan to adopt but that will be a long way coming, hopefully not to long in the future. Bah

Church me???? Who are you!

So hello there.

My name is crazy. I havnt gone to church in a really long time, willing anyways. I had problems with the church we were....I cannot say forced but strongly encouraged to go to in Ohio. My MIL and FIL are big big church goers. I am not and never have been. Well I lied, I did love going to church when I was little. It was fun and I learned a lot. Then I got older and it just wasn't apart of my life. Then I was hated even for not being "a woman of god" and thought of as a horrible person. I was hurt. This was from my now husband's parents. I didn't go to church and I didn't openly speak about God. I believe a great deal in a higher power. I researched different religions when I was younger. Longer then most graduate students do! Yet I was thought of this horribly. Since then the whole church and perisheners thing was a turn off.

But back to my story. I went to a local church that a friend goes to and who talked me into trying. So far so good! There was a couple things that bothered me but not like the 15-20 things that usually bother me. They were warm, inviting, welcoming, wanted me to talk, and so much more. They were upbeat and really just an amazing group. I hope to go again and will be hoping and praying that I finally found a church family that I love and loves me as well...even with all my quirks!!!

Hmm beautiful.

Today someone has been trying to get me to try to look within and see the beauty and love myself. So I would like to take you on a journey that not many people know outside of my mother. Who has not been with me since I was 19.

My 8th grade year. It was hell I don't even remember the year. I was homeschooled this year because of some horrendous things that I had to go through my 6th and 7th grade year. I had been spit on, name called, and more. So my mother had enough, because I had enough. I had gotten very bad thoughts in my head about what I would do. So we did homeschooling. It was very easy for a girl who is smart in books and streets. Instead of doing the work on the computer I figured out the password (it was our dogs name at the time, max) and copied the right answers and left some wrong to seem like I was doing it all myself.

Homeschooling wasn't my thing so freshman year my mother enrolled me back into public school. They said I was more emotionally advanced and educationally advanced that they wanted me in sophmore class. Little did they know that I'm a master at giving people just what they want. But my mom being my mom knew me very well and said no. I then fooled around with lots of people made some friends became a social outcast. Had many people keep away. I was the weird girl that no one would associate with. I had little friends. To be precise I had 2 maybe 3 real friends that to this day I miss because they are no longer there due to some bad things.

Let me say something that's rather hard. If you ever see me, know me, look at me. You'll see the scars. See the things on my body that just don't fit. Don't look closer I beg of you. There are more scars on my body then any one person should have. No I was not abused physically. I was not hit in a horrid manner. I.....*sigh* I am my own worst enemy. I am a cutter. I've been a cutter since I was in the 7th grade.

Fast forward. Freshman year horrible relationship with a emotionally stunted, depressed boy. Had horrible horrible fights that would end with him saying he loved me and if I was gonna leave him that he would hurt himself. He didn't mind that I was a cutter because he never really noticed me outside the bedroom. I ran away even one night. I was gone with him for over 48 hours before my mother got smart and found me. I quickly learned that he just wasn't there for me. I stepped away from a potentially suicidal relationship. I say suicidal because he made me suicidal. My cutting gave notice to a friend. He watched made sure that I didn't take it to far. But I did. I took it super far. At the time I was so very mad at him. I wanted to hurt him and myself for him telling on me.

One night I cut to deep in a wrong area. He saved me. It sent me to the hospital where I stayed for 2 weeks. A lot longer then the normal patients in the youth psych ward. I went to therapy of many kinds. Music, art, speech, group, and individual. I learn ways to cope. My journey from cutting over self hate, over how I feel everyday about my looks and my thought. I cut to focus on that one feeling instead of the thousands of sensory feelings that run through my brain. I cut to block out the emotional hurt and replace it with this physical pain that I can fix.

The doctors have labeled me manic-depressive type 2. As well as being serious at risk with boarder line personality disorder. Meaning I'm all shades of fucked up. To this day I struggle on a daily basses.education doesn't work because I get overly medicated. So I do different therapies myself. Yes yes I know that's not exactly safe but when your paranoid and open up to no one. It's all I got.

There is my secret. There is my wound. My oozing wound that leaks, spills over and ruins my days. It's not the whole truth I left out part. But that's the major gist of it. Want answers to some questions. Ask. Want advice ask. Want to know more. Keep reading.

World breastfeeding Week Aug 1-7th

You all know I'm a cloth diapering, breastfreeding advocate. I will preach and preach for days. There are many benefits to both and in my eyes there is NO cons. I get that some people just plan old can't. I couldn't breastfeed B and it broke my heart. There were things back then that I did not know. If I knew that there was donor milk out there, that there were people willing able and all that to help me feed my child the best possible food then I would have be all on that train. Alas I did not.

So for those out there who think its hopeless or think you can't do it. Then find us. Find the people who will help you, push you and cry with you. I had so much help in the begining thanks to a friend who will always be dear in my heart because of her help! I had severe thrust (yeast infection) in both breasts. It was HORRIBLE pain everytime K nursed, but I pushed on and was able to see the light.

So this week is World breastfeeding week. Kick started yesterday and goes until the 7th. Im gonna leave my email for anyone looking for help, answers, support, a cry buddy or just someone to discuss it. If I don't have the answers I will get you the answers. If you need a donor I can try to find you a donor or lead you to the right place. Remember there are SOO many benefits to breastfeeding.

Happy World Breastfeeding week!!!!

Mrs. Clean

In a dark universe there once was a lady. Her main pitfall in life is the judgement of her in laws. Then the time came.......


So guess what. In laws will be here at 9am in the morning. Or at least thats when their plan arrives. So they will then go to their hotel and wait till Mr. C gets off school. Why do I feel like my apartment needs cleaned and cleaned. Oh yeah IN LAWS ARE COMING! Why do I get so flustered? I have no clue.

Living room needs some attention. Just a little bit. Back of couch needs cleaned off, diapers put away, laundry basket put in master bedroom. DONE

Kitchen thats Mr. C's area I have designated. I cook he does the dishes and wipes the counter tops. Aka I'll be doing them last minute because he doesnt.

My bedroom and bathroom has to be picked up last minute and sorted out.

OOOOO guess what. Neighbors below us are fighting. I love me some neighbor drama. As long as it doesnt disturb my sleep that is. Oh GET EM! GET EM! lol

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Oh kitchen needs swept and swifered too.

Who wants to help? No come on now don't all jump out at once! Okay fine....


Ps. My knee and leg are killing me. Please proceed with caution unless holding a vicodin or vodka. Thank you.

just my luck!

So....

For the pasted like 10 days I've been entering more entries into this cool giveaway for a Ergo thats zebra print. I figured hey whatever at least I'll try. BUT once agian I always get my hopes up and think "hey maybe this will be the one time I actually win something!" But no I fail once again. It ended this morning and another lady won. Congrats to her! Really! But I didnt get it and I was/am sad. I really am wanting an Ergo and the 115-140 is WAY outta my price range.

But the convinence of the dang thing is awesome. I can wear K around and have hands free to clean and do other things. I have a carrier now its a infintino or whatnot. Its very much like the Ergo but has ALOT more straps and velcro and clips then the Ergo.

So that means its harder to get her in and out without help. I had B help me put K in it yesterday cuz it was just us and it took FOREVER and some frustration from me when B didnt understand what I was saying. Oh well.....

We live to fight another day!