1, 2...Ut oh

So I was thinking. I wanted to explain why I do some things that I do.
I do NOT think of myself as beautiful. I don't even remember anyone telling me I was beautiful on my wedding day. Beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc. Things I do not describe as myself. I see nothing pretty about myself. I feel like crying when I say that. Sometimes I can glimpse pretty but never beautiful or gorgeous. Never enough for anyone. I cannot fathem how my husband finds me attractive. I detest myself 99% of the time. If I take pictures of myself I'm having a good day. I want to give you this. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel anything. It is what it is and this will probably never change. I have no one in my life who will help me with these feelings and I'm very much used to it.
But I do try to help everyone I can help out. Maybe the thought that if everyone had what they need they will never feel this way. That I will make the world beautiful even if I can't be. That I'll create beauty so they never see who and what I am. Create beauty out of food, art, my children. I am a sad excuse for a person. I have no great talent. Hell I have no talent. The only thing I can do is try to get the world to see beauty in my very unbeautiful world. So look to the sky and see those wonderful clouds. The passion of a thunderstorm, the rage for a hurricane. See beauty when there are others who cannot.
Beauty should be cherished. So stare in wonder at the beauty all around you.

The past, the present and the memories.

Once upon a time, there was this girl. She didn't have many friends. She was mostly a loner. Her friends were amazing people, they were just the best. She figured they would ALWAYS be friends.

FAST FORWARD!!!

Aug 2012.

Little to no friends from high school.

I always thought that I would always be friends with the people from high school. Have babies together, celebrate life events together. Yet here I am at 10:30pm on a sunday night realizing I miss those times. I miss high school where things where different. Where my mom gaurded me from people and their stupidity. I miss the freedom of being able to trust people with your heart. Life has been a huge road bump and I feel like ive went from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds. I have friends. No many I shall say. But I have always known I couldn't keep many friends happy. People are just to snide for that. One day maybe I'll find that friend who will stick by and even if we argue will always be there. Maybe I have even found them already but because the friendship is still in the honeymoon stage I wont be able to see it for years. I have no clue. But today I realized that unless its my children, I do not feel loved like I feel you should be.

Love thyself before others can love you.

To bad those pretty words look A LOT easier said then done.

Frustrated

To me it seems like my in laws put more love towards there "real" child vs my husband. I'm just so frustrated. They will help out loads when it comes to things like helping out with bills. Don't get me wrong we are so appreciative of them. But it just seems like they love their daughter more. At least they show it more.

Maybe they just don't really know how to show it to Mr. C or what but I know it hurts him and I'm just hoping that they won't hurt him anymore over this.

Baby fever, it strikes again.

You all know I cannot have any more babies. No more babies from my body. I really resent my body right now. I want more babies. I wanna watch babies grow, feed, and more.

I plan to adopt but that will be a long way coming, hopefully not to long in the future. Bah

Church me???? Who are you!

So hello there.

My name is crazy. I havnt gone to church in a really long time, willing anyways. I had problems with the church we were....I cannot say forced but strongly encouraged to go to in Ohio. My MIL and FIL are big big church goers. I am not and never have been. Well I lied, I did love going to church when I was little. It was fun and I learned a lot. Then I got older and it just wasn't apart of my life. Then I was hated even for not being "a woman of god" and thought of as a horrible person. I was hurt. This was from my now husband's parents. I didn't go to church and I didn't openly speak about God. I believe a great deal in a higher power. I researched different religions when I was younger. Longer then most graduate students do! Yet I was thought of this horribly. Since then the whole church and perisheners thing was a turn off.

But back to my story. I went to a local church that a friend goes to and who talked me into trying. So far so good! There was a couple things that bothered me but not like the 15-20 things that usually bother me. They were warm, inviting, welcoming, wanted me to talk, and so much more. They were upbeat and really just an amazing group. I hope to go again and will be hoping and praying that I finally found a church family that I love and loves me as well...even with all my quirks!!!

Hmm beautiful.

Today someone has been trying to get me to try to look within and see the beauty and love myself. So I would like to take you on a journey that not many people know outside of my mother. Who has not been with me since I was 19.

My 8th grade year. It was hell I don't even remember the year. I was homeschooled this year because of some horrendous things that I had to go through my 6th and 7th grade year. I had been spit on, name called, and more. So my mother had enough, because I had enough. I had gotten very bad thoughts in my head about what I would do. So we did homeschooling. It was very easy for a girl who is smart in books and streets. Instead of doing the work on the computer I figured out the password (it was our dogs name at the time, max) and copied the right answers and left some wrong to seem like I was doing it all myself.

Homeschooling wasn't my thing so freshman year my mother enrolled me back into public school. They said I was more emotionally advanced and educationally advanced that they wanted me in sophmore class. Little did they know that I'm a master at giving people just what they want. But my mom being my mom knew me very well and said no. I then fooled around with lots of people made some friends became a social outcast. Had many people keep away. I was the weird girl that no one would associate with. I had little friends. To be precise I had 2 maybe 3 real friends that to this day I miss because they are no longer there due to some bad things.

Let me say something that's rather hard. If you ever see me, know me, look at me. You'll see the scars. See the things on my body that just don't fit. Don't look closer I beg of you. There are more scars on my body then any one person should have. No I was not abused physically. I was not hit in a horrid manner. I.....*sigh* I am my own worst enemy. I am a cutter. I've been a cutter since I was in the 7th grade.

Fast forward. Freshman year horrible relationship with a emotionally stunted, depressed boy. Had horrible horrible fights that would end with him saying he loved me and if I was gonna leave him that he would hurt himself. He didn't mind that I was a cutter because he never really noticed me outside the bedroom. I ran away even one night. I was gone with him for over 48 hours before my mother got smart and found me. I quickly learned that he just wasn't there for me. I stepped away from a potentially suicidal relationship. I say suicidal because he made me suicidal. My cutting gave notice to a friend. He watched made sure that I didn't take it to far. But I did. I took it super far. At the time I was so very mad at him. I wanted to hurt him and myself for him telling on me.

One night I cut to deep in a wrong area. He saved me. It sent me to the hospital where I stayed for 2 weeks. A lot longer then the normal patients in the youth psych ward. I went to therapy of many kinds. Music, art, speech, group, and individual. I learn ways to cope. My journey from cutting over self hate, over how I feel everyday about my looks and my thought. I cut to focus on that one feeling instead of the thousands of sensory feelings that run through my brain. I cut to block out the emotional hurt and replace it with this physical pain that I can fix.

The doctors have labeled me manic-depressive type 2. As well as being serious at risk with boarder line personality disorder. Meaning I'm all shades of fucked up. To this day I struggle on a daily basses.education doesn't work because I get overly medicated. So I do different therapies myself. Yes yes I know that's not exactly safe but when your paranoid and open up to no one. It's all I got.

There is my secret. There is my wound. My oozing wound that leaks, spills over and ruins my days. It's not the whole truth I left out part. But that's the major gist of it. Want answers to some questions. Ask. Want advice ask. Want to know more. Keep reading.

World breastfeeding Week Aug 1-7th

You all know I'm a cloth diapering, breastfreeding advocate. I will preach and preach for days. There are many benefits to both and in my eyes there is NO cons. I get that some people just plan old can't. I couldn't breastfeed B and it broke my heart. There were things back then that I did not know. If I knew that there was donor milk out there, that there were people willing able and all that to help me feed my child the best possible food then I would have be all on that train. Alas I did not.

So for those out there who think its hopeless or think you can't do it. Then find us. Find the people who will help you, push you and cry with you. I had so much help in the begining thanks to a friend who will always be dear in my heart because of her help! I had severe thrust (yeast infection) in both breasts. It was HORRIBLE pain everytime K nursed, but I pushed on and was able to see the light.

So this week is World breastfeeding week. Kick started yesterday and goes until the 7th. Im gonna leave my email for anyone looking for help, answers, support, a cry buddy or just someone to discuss it. If I don't have the answers I will get you the answers. If you need a donor I can try to find you a donor or lead you to the right place. Remember there are SOO many benefits to breastfeeding.

Happy World Breastfeeding week!!!!

Mrs. Clean

In a dark universe there once was a lady. Her main pitfall in life is the judgement of her in laws. Then the time came.......


So guess what. In laws will be here at 9am in the morning. Or at least thats when their plan arrives. So they will then go to their hotel and wait till Mr. C gets off school. Why do I feel like my apartment needs cleaned and cleaned. Oh yeah IN LAWS ARE COMING! Why do I get so flustered? I have no clue.

Living room needs some attention. Just a little bit. Back of couch needs cleaned off, diapers put away, laundry basket put in master bedroom. DONE

Kitchen thats Mr. C's area I have designated. I cook he does the dishes and wipes the counter tops. Aka I'll be doing them last minute because he doesnt.

My bedroom and bathroom has to be picked up last minute and sorted out.

OOOOO guess what. Neighbors below us are fighting. I love me some neighbor drama. As long as it doesnt disturb my sleep that is. Oh GET EM! GET EM! lol

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Oh kitchen needs swept and swifered too.

Who wants to help? No come on now don't all jump out at once! Okay fine....


Ps. My knee and leg are killing me. Please proceed with caution unless holding a vicodin or vodka. Thank you.