Vacation, a car, and an emotional disturbance

Very busy



Very very very busy



My life in a nutshell. I have no idea where to start, how to start, or even when I shall start. I am me. I feel like that was a start (I really am using that word alot!) of a beatles song. *sigh* Im a horrid writer so this will be painful. Recap for what has gone on since I started my job. I work for a pretty good company. I have some interesting managers. Ones sleeping with an employee even though he is married and has children but whatever. I got two cats since then.

Lately I have also thought about my relationship with my husband. I realized that maybe I married my best friend instead of the love of my life. To me love is about the WANT of kissing. The need to be near them. To miss them so unconditionally that you just can't keep them out of your mind. Maybe I loved him like a husband at one time or maybe I just knew we would always be friends. I dont know, all I know is we dont fit. Dont fit together in almost any aspect. Maybe its time to reassess some of our points together and discuss what to do and where to move on from here.

p.s.
If you didnt get it the hint my bipolar is rearing its ugly head again at a massive level.

Death by job

New job, its pretty awesome.

BUT IT SUCKS! Mostly because now im working a 2nd/3rds shift. I go in at 7pm and get off at a random time. Its suppose to be around 3:30am but there is always to much work to get out at 3:30am. So I stay over get home roughly around 5-7am then go to bed till the twin demons aka B and K wake up. Anywhere from 10:30-noon. (They sleep on more of my schedule then Mr. C's because well, im making the bucks). Soooo exhausted because I get few hours of sleep before the kids wake up. BUT after Mr. C get home I get to take a nap. WOOT WOOT! Nap time is calling. If you need me my bed was calling and we made up as BFFs agian!

Holidays of mass perpotions

Easter

Christmas

Thanksgiving

          These are the holidays I love the most. Sadly they are the holidays that I cannot do for my children what I grew up on. I loved the holidays growing up. Love all the family, food, chaos, laughter, joy, making fun of each other, etc. Fast forward to mom dying. No happy holidays just a bunch of people running around doing nothing but cooking and sometimes joking. Where did the laughter go, my mom took it. Still after how many years, she has the laughter with her. 

            But now I am no longer in OH, I am in Az where my children have no family besides us. We havnt colored eggs, gone on a plastic egg hunt, started dinner, woke up to a mass of basket hunting, nothing. My children are young thankfully so they cannot understand yet that something is amiss. 

           I will bring them joy on holidays and love. I will pull something out my butt for them to do today. Maybe swimming, and a park. Or maybe just running around with no distractions today. Who knows.

          

Happy Holidays, or happy regular day to some of you.

Traveling to crazy town

Ohio, the land of cold and snow.

I shall be traveling back to Ohio for a week. It will probably be cold. No 100% chance of cold! Ill be getting on the plane at 80 something degrees or higher. Then get off the plane at like 50 degrees or less. This is gonna be horrible.

Itinerary.
Get through security with two children alone.
Wait for plane.
Board plane.
Fly
Get off plane in chicago for layover.
Wait 2 hours for next flight.
Board plane.
Get to Columbus.
Be freezing.

Yeah this is gonna be a FUN plane ride. <---insert sarcasm. First plane ride for the girls. Dont worry B rode in a plane when she was in utero plane ride. Now 4 years old flying on a plane, her sister will be 17 months flying for the first time.

Any tips for flying with a 17 month old and a 4 year old by yourself? Ill be babywearing K so she shouldnt be to bad.

Bipolar, moods changing moods?

So....who all has bipolar?! *yells from back of room* OOOOO PICK ME PICK ME! yep you all know this if you have read any of my other blog posts....if not *evil glare* GO READ!

Fast forward me and Mr. C are not in a great spot in our relationship things are very tense but were working through them. Or at least trying which has put me into an EXCELLENT mood because well, were talking. So I was just sitting here playing on facebook with their catchy little addicting games *cough* chefsville *cough* and I thought. Maybe if I get into a good mood I can keep myself in a good mood.

So Challenge Accepted.

*downs a shot*

Here is to hoping Mr. C doesn't fuck up again and put me into a horrible mood.

#FYI I do NOT condone using alcohol as a self medication!#

Kamsnaps

<center><a href="http://www.kamsnaps.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.urbanfinds.com/kamsnaps/images/kamsnapsbutton.jpg"" /></a></center>

You all know I love to cloth diaper well this will help me out LOADS. Its a giveaway and well I would LOVE to win! eek!

The pain, hurt, memories, and time.

They say time heals all wounds.

They say time will help you not feel so bad.

They were wrong.

I dont know who even said these things and believed them. Someone who hasnt had someone in their life past away. I am watching the newest Army Wives episode. It brings up so many memories, so many terrifying things that went through my head. The pain of my mother funeral, the heartache of the many things she would never be present at. My wedding, the birth of my children, the sleepless nights of help that would never be there from her.

I would not have anyone but my grandparents and sister there for my wedding. No father who would be off on another crack binge none of that. So it hurt. To this day I do not remember anything after everyone left, or even the funeral. I remember a blessed women, my mothers best friend, helping me and trying to comfort me. I couldnt see past my own pain to even make memories. Memories.....thats all I have.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever talks about the pain that still lingers. I remember her funeral. The calling hours. I remember sitting there thinking "I dont know who you are, why are you even here?" So many people who I had no clue who they were. And people missing who should have been there. She has the most beautiful casket. The casket the rival all other in her book. She had so many people who loved her.

One minutes she is with me, the next she is just.....not there. She had always been there to help me in any way that was possible. Gave me the most precious gift. The gift of love. The gift of hope. She was my mother. I felt like she was the only person who would EVER understand me. She helped me so many times that was just impossible to keep track.

My mother pulled me through some very rough places. She helped me realize that I didnt need anyone to help me with most things in life, that I myself could find the solution to all my problems if I just looked hard enough and used my brain.

Sherron Marie up there in heaven. I miss you more today then I think I have since the day you said goodbye. If you have ever lost your mother, your child, your friend, your spouse or even just someone you loved so very much you understand. It never gets easier, and the pain never dulls.